Posts

I am not okay

Image
I don’t know how long I’m going to feel this way. There’s a heaviness in my chest that doesn’t leave, no matter how busy I keep myself or how strong I try to be. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. And I’m so, so tired. I cannot understand how the person who was supposed to stand beside me chose cocaine and methamphetamine while I worked myself to exhaustion just to keep our lives together. While I took on two jobs. While I showed up every day for our daughters. How could he choose that life while I fought so hard for ours? He’s inside rehab now, getting the help he needs. He’s being cared for, supported, guided. And here I am — outside — struggling to survive, to provide, to be both mother and father to two little girls who need me to be strong even when I feel like I’m breaking. There are days when I feel like I have no one to talk to, no place to set down the weight I’m carrying. Now that he’s almost out of rehab, the nightmares are returning. In my sleep, in my thoughts, in my fears ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Quiet Kind of Pain

Image
The other day, I was scrolling through old photos on my phone when I came across a picture of me with my children — and him — at a Starbucks. That moment came rushing back with painful clarity. We had been arguing about something he was convinced I’d done. I remember trying to explain myself quietly, desperate not to draw attention. Then, without warning, his hand met my face. It wasn’t a hard slap, but it cut deeper than any physical wound ever could. I didn’t react. I just froze. Looking at that photo now, I barely recognize the woman sitting there. That wasn’t me — at least not the me I used to be. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. He changed me. He wanted me small, obedient, silent. He wanted me to stay calm even when he was angry. And I believed that was how things were supposed to be — that as the man of the house, he had the right to control me, and I had to submit.  The hurt came again — once, twice, over and over. Each time, I convinced myself it was my fault, that I...
Post a Comment
Read more